Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
