I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
