I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Randomize
