I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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