the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Randomize
