Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
