She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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