One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
