Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
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