i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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