that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
