She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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