she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
