low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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