seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
