I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
