I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
Come share oat with me in your robe
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
