my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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