I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
