Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize