Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
