Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I cut my penus on the lid.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
