Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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