I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Randomize
