um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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