I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
