I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
