After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
