i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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