I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
a search helicopter?!
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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