My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
Randomize
