I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
