1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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