just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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