Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
