I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
