sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
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