You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
