Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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