I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
