dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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