sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
