Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Randomize
