I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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