Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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