2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
