you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
