please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
