My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
