I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
