Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
