He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
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