sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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