you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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