Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
