Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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