...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Randomize
