I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Randomize
