Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
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